Net Romance

This is a "real life" story of two people (Ron in Alabama and Kelly in New Mexico) that met on the net thru msn communities. We had known of each other for a couple of years before a steady flow of email. The process took about 6 months from email, to phone, to meeting, to living together. She moved from New Mexico to Alabama. Of the two jobs, mine was more stable. It would be harder for me to start over in NM. Work was a big factor in deciding who gave up what. My sacrifice was financial - hers was being uprooted and moving 1500 miles to a different culture: living knee deep in the bible belt with all them rednecks.

I've been online 3 years, her 2 1/2. Both fairly savvy about online relationships and leary of them. We are committed to one year together. Beginning of March we will both decide whether we want to stay together (long term "living in sin" or marriage) or part ways. We had to be honest with ourselves that the odds were against this method of pairing working out. The first two months were the roughest, as we were strangers. No matter how much you talk, email or meet (vacation style) it is not the same as living together and dealing with the day to day "real life" issues that come up. Luckily, through the phone conversations, we built up a level of initial trust. We don't work for the same company - by choice.

She Said

February of 2003

What, pray tell, would make a relatively grounded mother of twins give away most of her personal possessions and move across the country to live with a man she only spent a week with- and met on the internet, of all places? What, indeed!

When I told the news to my mother, she immediately began to conjure up the worst case scenario. She wanted to know what proof I had that this man was not going to chop my children and I up in pieces and bury us in the woods. I have to admit, I had none- no more so than I had about any other man I have dated; but this was different- this was someone I had met on the 'net. I noticed immediately the prejudices regarding meeting someone from the internet. I was asked "couldn't you meet someone here?" "Why can't he meet anyone in his life, what is wrong with him?" I noticed that people who were more involved in internet social groups were not as suspicious of the means, as those who had not dabbled in 'online friendships' were. Horror stories of 'I heard about this girl..." filled me with visions of gruesome torture and abuse once I got to a place where I did not have a soul to look after me. Worse than being told I would be killed, there were those who, with sincere sympathy, told me that since it was obviously 'the best you can do', I should at least try this (I guess before I resigned myself to a life of solitude and misery). Despite the concerns, and with half of my soon to be former social circle wondering what the hell I was thinking, I ventured on. I moved out of the only home my children ever remembered, and shipped the things I could not fit into my car and took the highway.

What awaited me was neither the horror that was feared on my behalf, nor the 'happily ever after' I had allowed myself to buy into as I packed up a life of memories for my trek.

What I realized when I arrived was that I had moved in with a stranger. As much as I thought I knew about him, I came to realize I knew very little. He knew as much about me as I him, and he knew nothing of my children. We spent the first 6 months just getting to know each other. We had committed to one year when we decided to do this; and frankly, if that agreement had not been in place, I know I would have been gone several times over.

We had the 'usual' things to contend with, division of labor, differing opinions on raising children, differing financial outlooks- things that if we had been in the same city could have come up before a big commitment was made- and could have been deciding factors in and of themselves. In addition, we had to get to know each other- things many couples may take for granted when they first move in together- how long to allow the other to wake up, favorite foods (and those that are least favorite), even little things like how we like to make the bed-these are things we had never been able to 'see' about the other prior to this commitment. We are two very strong willed people, who, have had to come together and compromise to make a relationship work.

Would I call this a success? Yes. We have managed to turn two relative strangers into a couple. Would I do it again? No. As happy as I am with what I have with this man, I would not uproot again with the hope of a relationship. In hindsight, the risk was too great, and it is only with luck and determination that we have managed to make it this far. If, after the year is up, we decide not to continue as a couple, I will again have to move my children, either back to our hometown, or to another- as this community does not have the job opportunities that would allow me to support my children. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything, but, I wouldn't go through it again.

He Said

February of 2003

Age Differences

I had sworn to myself that I would find someone within 5 years of my own age. I am 50 and Kelly is 40, making a ten year difference. This is not too extreme, however, we are in different "stages" of life. I am in a more companion oriented stage and she is more family oriented by necessity. The boys need this orientation. We devote hours during the weekend just for ourselves. It may be watching a movie together, going for a long countryside drive or taking 20 minute walks to nowhere. Just being alone together is what we cherish from these hours. I believe in three marriages in a lifetime - which loosely relates to stages in life.

First marriage is between the ages of 17 - 20, for the most part a result of "teenagerism", a disease similar to acne. It is bound together by sex and immaturity. Hopefully there are no kids and the marriage may last a year or two.

Second marriage is between the ages of 20 - 45. It's character is one of love and devotion to family values, raising children, the american dream of homes and the white picket fence, a balance of two careers between husband and wife. Above all, keeping the spark of marriage ignited. At some point in this marraige the spark becomes dimmer, interests in life take different paths, needs and personal growth of each other are not united. Pursuit of carreers and the kids growing up change peoples interests. The usual result is divorce.

Third marriage is from 40 years old and up. It is based mainly on companionship - "a mate to grow old with". Social and fun activities are similar: fishing, travel, culture and the arts, grandkids, etc. Careers have peaked (or bottomed out), extra money with the kids gone, house probably or nearly paid for, etc. Its a phase of enjoying life with another.

Money

I don't believe one can live on love alone. Money is an important part of any relationship. I would not say that I am overly materialistic, but comfort does have some value. I had never realized how expensive it is raising two kids. We both work and live at a semi-comfort level. A financial sacrifice we make each month is keeping both boys in a karate class. It develops a direction of discipline and personal achievent, self confidence and esteem, and initial skills of self defence. They are forced to go for a year and after that each decides whether they want to continue or drop out. Sports in school teaches kids team values.

Solutions

Both of us enjoy living, waking up each morning to make the most of the day. Whether at work during the weekday or home on the weekend - enjoying life is a mental exercise of focusing on the good. We try to blend together different core personality traits - mine of logic and hers of emotion. We give each other plenty of space, a hard term to define but deals with privacy. We willingly patronize each other out of love - I will watch Trading Spaces with her and she will watch Enterprise with me. When possible, we try to go to to a cultural activity, last one was attending a Hungarian Symphony Orchestra. Doing things together will hopefully balance out our different stages in life.

She Said

August of 2004

Reading on this site yesterday about my "net romance" left me, to put it mildly, insane.

Yes, Ron and I have parted ways. I moved out the end of February and Ron moved into a one bedroom apartment in March. Things were going pretty well for us, we would still see each other, and I would try and spend the night at least once a week with him. We had the fun part of the relationship, without all the hassles about the kids, division of labor, and all the other stuff that has a tendency to bring a couple down. Instead, we got to share special time: weekend trips, movies, dinners out, making love in the living room without worrying that the kids would come in.

Seems ideal, right?

Wrong.

For me it was a step backwards. I had, despitewhat I consider some minor issues, met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, he hadn't met the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Perhaps I began to act as desperate as I felt, because I noticed he started to pull away from me. I would ask him what was going on, and he would just shrug and say we were having fun and why try to worry so much about it. Ron was never much for confrontations, he preferred to keep things that were bothering him to himself, and put on a smile. I, on the other hand, was used to yelling, crying, and eventually coming to a compromise. My red hair may have faded over the years, but the 'Irish temper' never did. To his credit, Ron's calm and steadfast approach to dealing with life did have some positive impact on me, but not in this area; it was love and love is worth fighting for. I tried, unsuccessfully, to get Ron to tell me where we were going, to tell me if we had a future; meanwhile, I tried to show him how much I could love him and make him happy if he would just let me. Try as I might to think that I could manufacture enough love for the both of us, the reality hit me a couple of weeks ago. I say ëhit meë like it was waiting somewhere in the dark; but the truth is, it had been following me, gently tapping me on the shoulder in an effort to get my attention for some time now. I guess I just needed that cast iron skillet upside my head to show me that even if I was going places with the man I loved, the love I had was sitting home alone sobbing into her pillow. I gave Ron his keys back, got mine, and told Ron that I deserved someone who could love me like I deserve to be loved. End of story. After all, I was an independent woman, and hell, I've done the whole 'single' thing longer than I care to admit.

So, back to yesterday's insanity!

I had referred someone I knew to this site because he was interested in building a website. I did this in a online community that I am in, and so other members saw the link. They didnít just read about the web design, but other pages, including the one on"Net Romance". Not knowing the details of my relationship status (one of the times I credit Ron's teachings of keeping things to oneself), someone commented on how nice it was to read about how we met. Being too stupid to know better, I went in and read it myself. I read words like 'cherish' and 'commitment' and it hurt in a way that tumors, surgery, and even labor cannot compare to. The pain in my heart must have stopped the blood flow to my head because I picked up the phone and called him. He didn't answer, and I didn't leave a message - but caller ID showed him exactly who it was and he called back later.

Of course he called me back, he is a responsible person, and although he doesn't love me, he does care about me. Trying to be brave, I listened as he told me about his week. As much as I craved that information, it also incensed me--he was acting like nothing had changed, like I hadn't cried at his house two weeks ago telling him I wanted someone to love me.

I became a blubbering idiot. Crying, begging, crying, blowing my nose, crying, accusing, trying to make him mad enough to fight back. Me yelling accusations, crying, yelling. Him, meanwhile, countering my hysteria with words like 'illogical'. Imagine if you will a blubbering, psychotic woman dealing with Mr. Spock from Star Trek and you might have some insight into the conversation. Needless to say, he has closed that book, as is his style and is moving ahead. He cannot understand why I can't just let it go; and I cannot understand why he is so easily willing to. Perhaps this is 'the final impasse'.

No, I don't have"closure". Today, it feels like I never will, although I know it will happen, eventually. I still don't think I will ever love anyone that much, or meet someone with whom I am that comfortable.

Yes, I know I said all that before I met Ron.

He Said

August of 2004

This was a positive experience in my life. Two long distance friends made the decision to meet and when the opportunity arose - took action to live and grow together. Living together did not work out, but I never regret having lived together. This page was originally composed to give people hope, that net romance may work out. I still believe in the positive aspects of net romance and taking action. Kelly and I will never be haunted with "what may have been". I know a little more about myself and my search for happiness in life.

Here is an interesting discussion on "relationships and compromise", from the blog of Peterme.com. I don't believe in all the comments, but some are in line with my thinking.

A different page dealing with relationships and forgiveness.

Another article dealing with Smart Men - Failures in Dating and Women. Actually had more to do with intellectual men (which I am not) but I could relate and laugh at the rational mind bits.

You probably realized at a young age that you saw things differently, and thought differently than others in school...

And you've probably realized that your smart mind gives you an advantage over others in many areas of life...

Your smart mind gives you a particular type of advantage that can be very, very powerful in life: YOU'RE USUALLY RIGHT.

Smart people get used to being "right", because they usually ARE right.

And when you're RIGHT more often than others, you can get ahead in many situations.

But unfortunately, this smart mind of yours can actually be WORSE than USELESS when it comes to a key area of life:

WOMEN AND DATING.

By the way, I did say WORSE than useless.

REASON #5: THEY SEEK ONLY "INFORMATIONAL SOLUTIONS"

What does a smart guy do when he runs into a problem... or he needs to figure something out?

He looks for INFORMATION to help him solve the problem.

MORE INFORMATION is always the answer.

Information is the friend of a smart guy.

REASON #6: THEY FOCUS ON LOGIC INSTEAD OF EMOTION

NEWS JUST IN: Women don't feel ATTRACTION for men who make them THINK.

Women feel ATTRACTION for men who make them FEEL.

So what do most smart guys do when they first meet a woman?

EXACTLY!

They get into a LOGICAL CONVERSATION.

We would enjoy hearing from other couples that met long distance, online thru the net (whether it worked out or not). Email the story and we will add it to the page. I learn alot from other's experiences dealing with situations.